Monday, June 06, 2005

You might be a paedobaptist if...

Hey all. My good buddy and brother in Christ Paul Manata posted a funny blog called "you might be a Baptist if...". I thought that I, too, would like to have a little fun. I truly hope you all enjoy this in good fun, and nothing more. I love our paedobaptist brethren very much. I hope they get a good laught out of this.--Josh

YOU MIGHT BE A REFORMED PAEDOBAPTIST IF...

(1) You recognize that you've never ordered a donut immersed in chocolate.
(2) You lean toward the philosophical position of monism.
(3) You undermine the very foundation of covenant theology, yet still want to hold to it.
(4) You give your children the "sign of the covenant" yet withhold from them the other "sign of the covenant" because they're only "halfway members" of the covenant--wait, no they're full members--wait, yes they are--wait, no they're not--they're Christians--wait, no they're not--wait, how do you define "Christian"--wait, they're actually filthy heathens.
(5) You are a Baptist when it comes to the Lord's Supper.
(6) You've never read Spurgeon, Gill, Bunyan, Tombes, Lloyd-Jones, Piper, Nicole, et al.
(7) Emotional subjective hermeneutics applied to different texts is your hermeneutical authority.
(8) You've never read the New Testament.
(9) You think corporate nouns change their meaning when it comes to the Lord's Supper.
(10) You say "all you're doing is asserting" when time and again it has been proven beyond the shadow of a doubt that the proper subjects of the Lord's Table are the same ones for baptism.
(11) You want to be dispensational when it comes to other members of the household who are "in the covenant."
(12) You're not real sure what you believe about the unbelieving spouse in 1 Cor 7:14. Maybe they're in the covenant, maybe they're not.
(13) Your favorite words are "but," "and," "or," "good and necessary consequence," "inference," "even so," "yet," et al.
(14) You get all uptight when you feel the devastating power of the Baptist arguments.
(15) You are trapped by the Baptist biblical guns, and your only out is, "But they're in the covenant! Freakin' they're in the covenant man!"

NOW, YOU MIGHT BE A REFORMED BAPTIST IF...

(1) Your church is the church of the apostles.
(2) Your doctrine is the doctrine of the apostles.
(3) Your sacraments are those of the apostles.
(4) Your church government is that of the apostles.
(5) You enjoy a good beer, a good cigar, and a good wife.
(6) You believe that your children are gifts from the Lord.
(7) You believe what God's Word says about your children, so you pray for their salvation.
(8) Your position is the only one which makes covenant theology tenable.
(9) You are consistent in your view of the sacraments.
(10) You have an ecclesiology which considers the corporate nature of the church.

-Joshy-pooh Brisby

3 comments:

christopher said...

wait a minute...a playdo-what?

Anonymous said...

I was searching for what a Reformed Paedobaptist is... because I had never heard the term before. Do you really think this list you've made is something a believer should write? It sounds like you're trying to bring down or make fun of a group of folks, and I don't believe it's scriptural to do that. None of us have all the answers, please don't suppose that you do. - Scott

Anonymous said...

Not seeing the "fun" to be had w/ your list. Came across it when I googled "Reformed Paedobaptist." I would suggest that you reconsider your intentions in posting such a list. BTW, I'm not a Baptist - only wanting to become more familiar with the theology. Seeing a list such as yours almost puts me off the entire thing.